Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize