I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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