What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
did i just pee glitter
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
