i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
