i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
