youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
