Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
