My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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