My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
