the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
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Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
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Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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