I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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