just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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