I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You smell like stripper and shame
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
