Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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