"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
