My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
A bitchslap is in order.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
