Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
