3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
