scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
