The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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