When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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