I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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