Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
