So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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