My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
