Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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