yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
