I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Dear god my vagina.
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