..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
