I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
