im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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