my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
