i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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