just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
