Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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