So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
