Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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