Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
