i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
