This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
