Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
