please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
