She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
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I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
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There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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