So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
