You're completely useless in the revolution.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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