This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
