masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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