we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
