Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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