I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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