still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
