hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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